Eh, so where do I begin?
I guess I decided to actually start this thing because of some depressing shit that has been going down. I mean after I finished a whole bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos on my own I figured, eh, maybe I should do something a little more productive...then I ended up on my laptop. So productive.
I don't want to be that girl that only posts about the sad shit. I don't want to be the one that fucking swears all the time either, but it happens. Especially today. I'm feeling like shit.
I am not sure exactly what has really pushed me to this point today. Everything was going so great. I had my "best friend" here yesterday (Trust me, there will be A LOT about him). Things were going great. Unfortunately life was getting too good I guess. Next thing you know he gets a call and has to go to the hospital because his dad had an accident. This was definitely one of the more terrifying things in my life. I have gotten so close to Steven. I never want to see anything terrible happen to his family. I am not sure how he really felt though. I could tell he was worried but I really did not know how to help him, or if he wanted help. Which really fucking sucks! He can read me like a fucking book. Every fucking emotion right there for him to see. Yet, I can't do anything about him. Thinking about him makes me a little sad. I'm trying to write this out so I am not sad. What the Fuck?
Anyways, as soon as he left things went downhill. I seriously went to sleep until 2pm just to get up, move down to the couch and sleep again. I just wasn't feeling life. I mean the fact that someone I care about had been hurt just really fucked with me. I just don't understand how to handle this stuff. I really wish I knew what to do. I mean I know I don't want to kill myself or anything, but sometimes i just have these days where I just sit and let my life pass me. I just don't know how to deal.
As if I wasn't my own worst enemy that day my beloved brother decided to actually come home. Woah! What a fucking shock! The drug abusing asshole decided to come see his sister? Oh no, he actually just wanted to rub in my face that he stole my mother's car keys out of my purse and went for a joy ride. Wow so proud of the young man he is becoming... Not only that, he wants to tell me how worthless I am. I'm a pig just sleeping all day and doing nothing, all the good stuff. I'm quite disappointed that I listened to him. I haven't cried that hard in awhile. Like panic attack crying. I let too much build up to that day and just one word from his mouth already was killing me. Damn, how embarrassing. My 17 year old brother can crush my heart in less than a sentence.
I really miss the older days. I mean not really since my dad beat the shit out of my mom and took us to his drug dealers house. But I do miss when I had all these kids around me that I could identify with. We all could just get along, my brother included, without worrying about the problems that went on in our houses. We didn't have to blog about our sad lives. We just went out and rode our bikes. Played hide and seek. We didn't ever think life would get this hard.
